One of my best friends who lost her dad in December 2009 told me that she actually regressed in the whole grieving process...and I'm beginning to believe I am in the same boat. How did I go 8 months with shedding an occasional tear to now, crying almost daily?
Tonight during bath time, Allie was doing her normal "ba-ba-bah" and beating on the side of the bathtub...and I just started crying out of no where. The poor baby looked at me like she was astonished and stared at me with her gazing blue eyes for what felt like 10 minutes...I know she was wondering "mommy, are you ok?" We got out of the bath and I propped her up on the vanity so we could complete our routine with her 20-second hair dry and I could not quit sobbing when looking at her absolutely beautiful face in the mirror.
I am so selfish in so many ways. The biggest example - I am so glad my mom left us before Allie's arrival. How selfish is that? It's so sad mom and Allie never got to meet. In fact, they were 30 days away from meeting each other. Mom not being here to help me through every tough motherhood problem has made me a stronger person, and most of all, a better mother. Mom would have jumped every time Ben and I said we were sick, or wanted to go for a night out with friends, or couldn't figure Allie out...she would have been there for the "rescue." As hard as it is not having her, I have to see the positive and think she left when she did for a reason. Perhaps I would have been a needy daughter, or been an out-right horrible mother if mom was here...I don't know (as I pull my hair out!). Again, I have to think of the positive in the situation.
I got a new Blackberry for work last week and while I am very excited, it's sad at the same time. Mom was speed dial "M" - I had to leave "M" blank on me new phone. Randomly I saved a text message from her - dated January 1, 2010 - after LSU lost to Penn State in the Capitol One Bowl that reads:
"Sorry about the game. What a nasty day. Hope you were not out sitting in that weather. At least football is over and you can get home and focus on Allie and getting her room ready. She'll be here before you know it! Be safe coming home. Love you guys."
I hope work lets me keep the old phone as I am 99% sure the text is saved to the actual phone, not the SIM.
On a fun note, I felt like mom was with me Friday. Since Pro Tech was acquired by 3M, I am now a member of the 3M New Orleans Sales Connection team. Long story short - 3M participates in a yearly community giving program and this year - 2011 - it is the Boys & Girls Club. My mom and dad were HUGE supporter of the Boys & Girls program...check out her very last Facebook status. Enough said. Imagine how I felt when this was mentioned. Yes, I will be an enormous advocate for the New Orleans Sales Connection team to win the giving program in mom's honor.
It's only been around 6 months since my dad passed away, but i do cry myself to sleep just about every night. I wasn't doing that at first but the last month and a half it has been out of control. Honestly, i don't think losing someone you love that much will ever get easier, but i think as you said it gets a little easier to see the positive things. Just try as hard as you can to hold on to those favorite memories you have of her and never stop talking about her! I truly believe God allows our loved ones to look down over us, and i'm sure your mom is so proud to see you being a wonderful mom to your baby girl now.
ReplyDeleteTara Piner